Dear September,

I have never liked you.

I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings but it’s the truth.

You have always been the bearer of bad news. Throughout my childhood you were the constant reminder that summer was over and that school was about to begin and I think I’m not alone here when I say that’s totally shitty of you.

What is your deal anyway?

Are you Summer? Fall? Do YOU even know?

When I wake up in the morning I am cold and I need to wear a sweater and slippys just to go into the bathroom and brush my teeth. By midday in that same get-up? I’m sweating my balls off. To make matter worse, when nighttime rolls around I need to break out the sweater/slippy combo again.

You should probably think about making up your mind because your indecisiveness is making it extremely difficult to even dress myself.

Not cool, September. Not. Cool.

What’s even worse is what you bring in the way of seasonal allergens. For 11 months out of the year my ears/nose/throat does just fine thankyouverymuch save for the occasional cold but then YOU show up and I’m all itchy and scratchy and coughy and wheezy and runny and MISERABLE.

How are we ever supposed to make amends if you continue to slight me this way?

Is it because I’m not Jewish?

Clearly you have a preference for the Jews in the audience since you give them not one but TWO major holidays all within your date range. For every Hanukkah there’s a Christmas and for each Easter there’s a Passover but by the time we hit September it’s just:

Sorry folks! Nothing to see here. Feel free to enjoy this month but unfortunately you were not “chosen”. *wink wink*

I now know five people who have a birthday on the 10th of you. FIVE.  Are you trying to steal ALL the birthdays so you might have all the glory you selfish, selfish month?

Maybe we’re not supposed to be friends, September. After all, my favorite month is the one directly following your exit so it seems we may have a conflict of interest from the start. It’s cool though. I guess we’ll just have to accept that we have this mutual distaste for each other and try our best to be civil.

You know, for the sake of the other months.

Yours in resentment and disgust,

(me)

PS – a lot of that was the allergies talking. sorry if the preceding note was excessively cruel. you do have Labor Day which EVERYONE can celebrate so I guess you’re not all bad. just mostly.