Like a vampire except really just the bit about being pale and aged.

My doctor recently did some blood work for me and told me that I am substantially vitamin D deficient. This is mostly pathetic considering you really only need semi-regular exposure to the sun to remain within the 30-80 “normal” range.

Mine is 15.

Admittedly I’m not a big sun worshipper. I like a sunny day and I appreciate warmth but when it comes to exposing my porcine flesh to the outside world only dressed in a tank top and shorts, I’d just as much stay indoors in some nice climate controlled room wearing full coverage clothing because the AC makes the room I’m in just a *touch* on the cold side.

I don’t enjoy laying on the beach for two reasons: I hate being hot and I also hate sand. I’m terrified I might contract skin cancer from UV exposure, or whatever it is in the sun that causes cancer. Save from the time I was born to around the age of 7 (a.k.a. a time when I knew no better) I have had no reasonable desire to bake myself naked on a beach towel for a few hours under an unforgiving sun.

Somewhere down the line I convinced myself that any prolonged sun exposure was going to cause not only skin cancer but (god forbid!) premature aging so now I just don’t go out and if I do I’m slathered in an SPF anywhere between a 50 to an 80. This practice has left me so translucently pale that on a cloudy day you are bound to hear me before you actually see me.

Given the day and age we live in and the fact that I’m both Italian and from New Jersey, it is virtually unheard of for someone like me to exist in our society. I realize that my appearance is an embarrassment to this culture of tanned, fun-seeking, willfully unemployable miscreants and I’m basically OK with that.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that, although still technically a 20-something, I’ve felt more like a septuagenarian in terms of my curmudgeonly ways. I don’t like “going out” and I generally dislike “doing things” if it involves leaving the house after 7PM. This sort of paints a picture of me a few small steps away from being an invalid which would not be entirely inaccurate depending on the day.

I also frequently complain about “kids”. How they’re overly “self-involved”, “entitled” and “tech-obsessed”. Phrases like “Why I aughta!” (with exasperated fist-shake) and “Get a job!” frequently cross my mind but then I realize they’re all too busy sex-texting each other’s SpaceBook pages.

So…  why bother?

But, unless I’m alright with being pork-belly white and potentially, very ill in the long run… (zoinks!) I need to start taking care of myself. It’s just funny how you think you’ve got one part of your life sorted out; you eat better, exercise regularly and you find out that you’ve still been overlooking basic things like making the time to leave your darkened basement of a life for a little time with the living every now and again.

Sheesh!

*****

I thought I might include a completely un-retouched photograph of myself in case I decide to get serious and chart my progress back to health via my skin tone:

For instance, it might seem unclear from the photo but the shirt I’m wearing is actually white. That’s just the effect my ghostly pallor has on everything. Also, I’m noticing now that the “squat” position I’m assuming in this image is far from flattering.

Let’s ignore that part entirely…

Thanks.

Worst Post Ever*

If the music from Tetris and The Legend of Zelda had a baby (stay with me) and then that baby grew up only to meet Gogol Bordello in college somewhere around 2002 and THEY had a baby it would sound EXACTLY like this band we saw last night. Actually, I have no idea what I’m talking about so you can just listen to this cool song and choose your own adventure from there:

Badass violinist in the mix? Bonus points.

The Bee had me rolling when he said that the male portion of audience appeared to be comprised of the NJ sector of the vampire mafia. Here are some words I would use to describe the crowd: aloof, sullen, mega-hold spray gel, brooding, IRONIC (the girl at the door was wearing a Goo Goo Dolls t-shirt), jaded, feigned disinterest, guyliner, possibly malnourished.

I tell ya. This economy…

So yeah, Kiss Kiss. I really dug their Castlevania sound even though the acoustics in the VFW we saw them at were less than stellar. Oh, and Kiss Kiss? Love the CD and all but next time could I get one that someone (read: band follower/desperate, hungry member of the undead) hasn’t already gnawed on?

You guys SO owe me a new jewel case.

Also, I’m gonna go with us being the oldest ones there, save for somebody’s dad who was standing in front of us.

Somewhat off topic:

Why is it when I do a quick mental check of how old I am the first number that pops into my head is 28? I’m not. Yet. In a few months, yes, but I have never repeatedly aged myself in my own mind before this year. It’s like my brain is refusing to accept 27 as a reasonable age to be and is instead skipping ahead one. The Bee says it’s because 28 is an even number and my brain is just rounding up. I told him that’s hogwash because my brain, like the rest of me, prefers the odd.

Obviously.

And this is what happens when I attempt to post something from off the top of my head on a Monday.

*has nothing to do with the topic of said post but with the delivery. That being said: I fear this too may become a recurring theme.