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Welcome to HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

(me) and the bee are in the middle of a turf war.

It’s not me vs. bee. 

Rather, it’s US vs. THEM.

The other day I smacked Twitter’s ass with this message:

That day I didn’t go anywhere near the kitchen until the bee came home from work because I was terrified that the wily little hopper was going to spring from the sink basin and cling to some part of my body which I’m pretty sure would have caused immediate death by creepy.

Since then there have been 4 other incidents of cave crickets impeding upon our living space.

I am, admittedly, an over-dramatizer of events. HOW-ever, cave crickets are no laughing matter and this post contains no feigned alarmism.

You might be thinking: it’s “mind over matter” or they are more scared of you than you are of them.

Well, I think that’s bullshit because when I see one of those fuckers my mind says:

OH SHIT!!!! It’s a fucking bug! It’s got a quadrillion LEGS and probably a brazillion eyes and it’s coming for my life and it could totally fit up my nose or into my ear or HOLY FUCK NUTS, it could crawl in my MOUUUUUUUUUUUUTH!!!

help! panic! all-functionality-shut-ting-doooowwwwwn…

Even though I am fully aware that the size ratio between a human and an insect is highly disproportionate, this matters very little because it is ONLY the size issue that could even begin to make those fuckers un-scary.If humans and bugs were the same size, regardless of our increased level of intelligence, I theorize that the human race would cease to exist based on the sheer number of spontaneous heart attacks that would occur when each human first encountered a bug the same size as themselves.  

I should probably illustrate the extreme horror that is a cave cricket. You see, cave crickets look like giant freaky spiders, only like a million times creepier because they have these super long antennae that shoot out like 3 inches from their heads so it’s like they have 10 legs instead of the standard 8 for spiders and GET THIS… they are crickets, right? Well, these assholes JUMP like you wouldn’t believe and they move FAST.

Just the other day I was cleaning out the fireplace and in the blink of an eye one was RIGHT NEXT TO MY FOOT. Of course I immediately lept backwards while screaming bloody murder and in that time, quick as a flash, it was gone.

I avoided that side of the house until the bee got home.

And if you STILL think I’m being irrational, just look at an actual life-sized picture of these hell-spawns.

It’s not even summer yet. Most of these things are still hibernating or whatever they do in preparation for the warm weather cricket-pocalypse. I don’t know if we’re gonna make it.

Please send help. and Raid.

LOTS of Raid.

***

For part 2 of the saga, click here.

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Filed under (me), home, the bee