Tag Archives: disappointment

Have Job, Will Grumble

Waking up for work in the morning is never an easy thing to do. I think it must be at least 11 times harder when you haven’t done it in 11 months.

After starting a new job earlier this week, I was reminded of that unwelcome gut punched feeling first thing in the morning when you realize you really, REALLY can’t go back to sleep this time. No matter how (very) tired you may still be. No matter how much (5 hours) more you could sleep if given the chance. No matter how much you can think of nothing but doing this:

for the rest of your life. You simply cannot. You must awaken and you MUST get this party started.

The first thought that enters my brain each morning that I wake up at 7:00 am is “Ugh. Seriously?” followed by: “Urrrrgh… this is fucking brutal.” then: “I can’t do this somebody please kill me kill me now.”

What makes it all the worse is the fact that it’s September (BLARF!) and this brings back all sorts of crippling memories from the ghost of 1st week back to school past…

***

It’s the RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RI_[lazy two finger click] of 5:45 am, followed by the RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*RIE*R_[irritated palm slap] of 5:54.

It’s the staring at the ceiling in utter frustration and anger from 5:54 and 6 seconds – 5:57 while slowly facing the reality of the responsibility that awaits you; brushing teeth, getting dressed, walking around places and making sounds come out of your mouth all the while trying to look cool and seem normal enough not to become a social pariah at least for one more day. Truly horrific shit…

***

Finally managing to pull myself off of the mattress is at once one of the simplest and most difficult tasks I will encounter all day. Get past the point of actually laying down and you’re golden. Unfortunately, it’s usually not until around noon before I actually start to feel good about the decision I made this morning. The time leading up to that is pure and total hell full of doubt and remorse and daydreams about sleeping while simultaneously eating, watching television and reading internet gossip. Of course, by 2:00 I can’t help but feel irritated that it’s NOT 5:00 yet so it’s really just a ceaseless nightmare.

At least it is for me. For others, waking up is the least of their problems.

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Filed under (me), work

It’s My Party…

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of this blog.

Yay!

It also happens to be the day that my most favorite of favorites, my stylized songbird and muse, Ms. Amy Winehouse has died.*

*sigh*

Amy was my Elvis. She was my Madonna. She was my living Jeff Buckley because upon first hearing them both I can remember thinking things would never be the same for me and music. Now I can only hope that she and Jeff are somewhere making some other world happy with their sounds because this one has officially been deprived.

I was a little too young to have felt the direct impact when Kurt Cobain died but I liken the feeling I have is similar to the one all his fans felt when they knew he was gone for good. No more music, no more stories, no more knowing that even if they never performed or made an album ever again, that at least they were out there having a life and being their own unique artist and individual just by being alive.

I tried to explain to the bee how I felt, but mainly I just felt stupid. A 28 year old girl, woman, person whatever, feeling shaken and dispossessed by the loss of someone I had a connection to only in my mind.

I half-jokingly referred to my sadness over her abrupt loss as a state of “EverMourn”. As though I would forever be mourning the loss of her. He laughed and said maybe a better name for my situation was to refer to it as “MournHouse”.

Funny, appropriate, and yet just… *deep breath and… SIGH*

So that’s it. It’s my party and I could cry if I wanted but instead I think I’d rather just remember her as she was meant to be and never, ever, ever forget how amazing it was for the short time we had.

artwork by Reece Ward

*If you’re seeing this in your RSS reader or email or whatever thingy or device you use to view infrequently updated websites and you’re thinking “Hmmmm, this news is old…” Congratulations! You would be right. No, I haven’t been living under a rock for the past month, I’m just really really inconsistent when it comes to blogging anymore and generally lazy and wayward. I felt like publishing this now, so I did. My apologies. That is all.

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Filed under just a thought...

Look What *I* Found! Friday (except it’s not, because it’s really Wednesday, but i’m thinking you knew that already) Edition

So… 

I’m toying with the notion of introducing a new feature here since the bee, Ah-HEM!, has apparently far better things to do than to update his blog any longer therefore leaving me without any weekly rejected photo content that I can steal and put on my blog on Sunday night so it seems like I’ve got a lot more going on here than I actually do. 

The. NERVE. 

I know it’s not Friday. Since I am a sucker for alliteration (does it count as alliteration if it’s just two words that start with the same letter?) and can’t seem to get my act together in time to prepare the post I had intended for today, I am bumping up the first of: 

Look What I Found! Friday (insert something here) Edition 

to today so that I can probably still not finish the post I had planned to put in this spot by then but it always feels so good when you buy yourself some time even though it rarely works out the way you imagined it would. 

Anyway, for the past few weeks, upon leaving work for the day, I have noticed a peculiar hole in the mulch near the parking lot. The first time I saw it I did like a QUA-DRUPLE take because, to my surprise, there was something in there! 

NATURE!!! 

More specifically? 

A tiny little mulch living-loving frog. 

betcha can't find him!

 No. Really. You’ll never find him. 

You wanna know why? 

Well APPARENTLY that lil’ wart-y shithead who has been chillin’ in that hole for weeks now has moved onto bigger and better piles of dirt (kind of like someone ELSE mentioned earlier in this post *coughcough* YOUknowwhoyouare *cough*) now that I come prepared with camera readied to snap pictures of him.  

What a dick. Doesn’t he know this totally screws the “Looky, looky here!” nature of this post?  

Or… does it? 

This is supposed to be a Friday thing so maybe it’s fitting that by posting on Wednesday not only are my readers let down with my “discovery” but so am I. 

*sigh* 

it was only AFTER i had done this whole thing in paint that i realized the red was really hard to read over the photo. i was too lazy/disenchanted to actually fix it. so... yeah, this post has reached a whole new level of suck.

Sorry guys. The next edition will be better. 

Probably… 

not.

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Filed under (me), projects