Like a vampire except really just the bit about being pale and aged.

My doctor recently did some blood work for me and told me that I am substantially vitamin D deficient. This is mostly pathetic considering you really only need semi-regular exposure to the sun to remain within the 30-80 “normal” range.

Mine is 15.

Admittedly I’m not a big sun worshipper. I like a sunny day and I appreciate warmth but when it comes to exposing my porcine flesh to the outside world only dressed in a tank top and shorts, I’d just as much stay indoors in some nice climate controlled room wearing full coverage clothing because the AC makes the room I’m in just a *touch* on the cold side.

I don’t enjoy laying on the beach for two reasons: I hate being hot and I also hate sand. I’m terrified I might contract skin cancer from UV exposure, or whatever it is in the sun that causes cancer. Save from the time I was born to around the age of 7 (a.k.a. a time when I knew no better) I have had no reasonable desire to bake myself naked on a beach towel for a few hours under an unforgiving sun.

Somewhere down the line I convinced myself that any prolonged sun exposure was going to cause not only skin cancer but (god forbid!) premature aging so now I just don’t go out and if I do I’m slathered in an SPF anywhere between a 50 to an 80. This practice has left me so translucently pale that on a cloudy day you are bound to hear me before you actually see me.

Given the day and age we live in and the fact that I’m both Italian and from New Jersey, it is virtually unheard of for someone like me to exist in our society. I realize that my appearance is an embarrassment to this culture of tanned, fun-seeking, willfully unemployable miscreants and I’m basically OK with that.

I’ve come to terms with the fact that, although still technically a 20-something, I’ve felt more like a septuagenarian in terms of my curmudgeonly ways. I don’t like “going out” and I generally dislike “doing things” if it involves leaving the house after 7PM. This sort of paints a picture of me a few small steps away from being an invalid which would not be entirely inaccurate depending on the day.

I also frequently complain about “kids”. How they’re overly “self-involved”, “entitled” and “tech-obsessed”. Phrases like “Why I aughta!” (with exasperated fist-shake) and “Get a job!” frequently cross my mind but then I realize they’re all too busy sex-texting each other’s SpaceBook pages.

So…  why bother?

But, unless I’m alright with being pork-belly white and potentially, very ill in the long run… (zoinks!) I need to start taking care of myself. It’s just funny how you think you’ve got one part of your life sorted out; you eat better, exercise regularly and you find out that you’ve still been overlooking basic things like making the time to leave your darkened basement of a life for a little time with the living every now and again.



I thought I might include a completely un-retouched photograph of myself in case I decide to get serious and chart my progress back to health via my skin tone:

For instance, it might seem unclear from the photo but the shirt I’m wearing is actually white. That’s just the effect my ghostly pallor has on everything. Also, I’m noticing now that the “squat” position I’m assuming in this image is far from flattering.

Let’s ignore that part entirely…




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4 responses to “Like a vampire except really just the bit about being pale and aged.

  1. Dude, really, 15!! I’m pretty sure having a even a few basement windows should put you up to about 20…

  2. I would just like to inform you that there is a sunscreen that is SPF 100 and I currently wear it. You are not alone! We should stay inside together and knit and make gross recipes from the 70s – we’re destined for that anyway – might as well start now.

  3. Kagero

    I use uv protective clothing. I seem to be sensitive to sun block — ironically it makes me skin burn if I don’t wash I off within a couple o hours of application.
    I bought some clothes from here: the styles är kind of tent like and all th clothes seem o be made from the same cloth. I ordered two pink tops in different styles and a pair of pink arm covers and they’re exactly the same shade and material, had I known I would have varied the colors…

    I read somewhere that your ability to produce vitamin d is related to your ability to create melanin, the more melanin — pigmentation — in your skin the longer it will take to make vitamin d. Africans who live in Scandinavia are at a higher risk of depression because of that.

    Personally I am albino so maybe that means I produce vitamin d real fast. I certainly burn real fast. Btw, I know random facts about Africans in Scandinavia because I am a Scandinavian albino living in the US. They issue health warning on the news broadcasts I listen to via podcasts….

    You seem to be facing a bit of a dilemma, malnutrition vs fear of sun exposure and preference for not leaving our cave…. Perhaps supplements is the solution?

    I apologize for the lack of coherent thought and editing. In the second case it appears that wordpress hates iPad. I cannot move the cursor except with the delete key so there are no do-overs. It’s also really hard to fit the three fingers required to scroll within the comment textarea so there is no reading after writing either.

    Feel better soon.

  4. Hope some extra vitamin D makes everything a little easier. …Including chess, origami, and advanced physics. Because, really, who wouldn’t benefit from that?

    In the mean time, rest assured that now and then people hold up crosses and throw garlic when they see me coming too. And not just because I’m an agnostic with disturbingly good breath.

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