1. It is a great source of fiber and basically guarantees a successful and expedient evacuation of the previous days meal, leaving you with extra bathroom time that you can use for things like filing down the 12 weeks worth of toenail you’ve been cultivating despite the imminence of “sandal season” in just a few short months.
2. It even tastes good soggy. Better even. Can’t say that about Cheerio’s. CAN you?
3. Grape Nuts are neither made from grapes or nuts which is good because I don’t like either of those things in my cereal.
4. Grape Nuts are excellent when used in arts and crafts type projects. When I was in Kindergarten my friend and I decided to give our school’s crossing guard Christmas presents. When I found out she was giving her a necklace from K-Mart, my demented little brain pumped itself full of jealous rage and concocted the cruelest retaliation imaginable: a vastly better gift than the one my friend was giving. I chose to take a piece of white printer paper, draw a heart on it, fill it in with Elmer’s Glue and sprinkle Grape Nuts on top of it. It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful and crunchy and almost entirely edible gift anyone ever gave anyone and I gave it to the crossing guard. My crossing guard. And she loved it. I think.
And finally, the most important point to be made of all the 5 important reasons chosen for this list:
5. Under no circumstances ever or anytime will anyone EVER chose to eat your cereal (Grape Nuts) when presented with any other option. Ever.
So what does all this mean?
Well, if you eat Grape Nuts, it means: You WIN! You should probably get an award. Made of Grape Nuts. I could make one for you, but then I would need someone to make mine so maybe instead of awards we should just clink our bowls of delight together and smile knowing our colons are better off than they were before we starting eating all this amazing cereal and start planning what we’re gonna do with all the extra time we’re gonna have after everyone we know is dead because our colons outlived them all. Even us. So really the plans we’re making are for our colons. Just our colons. Because we’re all dead.