After leaving my job a few months ago I thought I would begin a new chapter in my life by filling my days with some much-needed relaxation and allowing myself the time to re-focus creatively and personally.

Instead I’ve been most successful at giving myself an endless array of shit for not being more artistically productive or inspired on a daily basis which makes for what I believe to be some pretty serious irony:

Fear #1

I will never be successful. At anything.

Much like my numerous failed attempts to learn to the guitar/piano/drums beyond plucking strings, poking keys, or banging on cymbals, I cannot seem to move past the point of frustration at figuring out new things which might allow me to find peace in being creative and possibly, somewhere down the line, entrepreneurial:

Fear #2

I will never finish anything that I start.

When I recently mentioned to the bee that I thought I might like to work in a library, he reminded me that most library work is on a volunteer-only basis:

Fear #3

Any and all discernible life-skills I have are at once impractical and completely useless when trying to support yourself financially.

Perhaps it’s because I stopped taking my  meds or the fact that I’ve been unemployed for a while that’s causing a momentous level of despair to creep into my life.

Either way, it seems my ability to differentiate between a justifiable cause for fear or worry against something which is completely fabricated by my damaged brain has never been worse.

But… at least I’m taking it all in stride:

Yep. Totally under control.


Filed under (me), just a thought...

9 responses to “Fears

  1. I have an idea! Let’s decide to do something and do it together!
    I have all these problems too and I think we could make something fun, awesome, stupid, weird together instead of each sitting at home trembling with the fear of doing nothing.

  2. but at least you’re still making fun drawings!

  3. Ren

    Dear Steff,
    Nico’s idea is “well, a good one”! Hoping you do? both know each other…..Nevertheless! Get out again! Everyday! And little by little do something. Especially, I know it’s unconventional, well maybe? Maybe not? But, go to the local food bank, offer to help there in anyway….. See what others deal with everyday. On the otherhand, go to your local Country Club. Apply for a job….Anything…Doesn’t matter. See what they deal with everyday. I mean…See what is out there. It may not be that good, and it may not be that bad? Have the experience though to back yorself up with, to “see and feel” that which you can only imagine. Then, contemplate……<3

  4. Don’t worry sunshine, you gotta start somewhere :)

  5. stef –

    have you heard of this? http://www.theartistsway.com/
    yes the new age website will probably make you feel sorry for me for suggesting this, but i have loads of friends who have been quiet unlocked by this book…and i keep threatening to try it…

    i know people do it in pairs…but i dunno if we could do it cyber-ly…


  6. Can you afford better drugs? Because I really think your time off would be more fun if you were on a hallucinogen. Think of the memories!

  7. You are very talented and funny! Keep drawing and getting out there. Sounds ridiculous but sometimes when you just keep throwing things out into the universe something sticks. Believe me, it’s been happening for me.

  8. I hear you. BOY do I hear you.

  9. I fear I am with you there…have been unemployed for the last month and really I thought by now I would have taken over the world with my creative endeavors but fear the most creative I have been is decorating the cat ‘s house and now the cat won’t even enter it!! Brilliant post…and I see abundant creativity in your near…now…future.

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