Crossing the Threshold

It is common knowledge that everything changes when you get married. You no longer live a life of singularity but, rather, one of SOLIDarity. You and me’s turn into us and we’s. And rightly so. You have embarked upon a journey full of petty fights and make-up sex.

Here are some things I’ve learned about marriage in just the last few days:

 

Talk is cheap. But more than that, talking at all is overrated. Once married, your brains magically fuse in such a way that you really no longer need to speak thoughts or requests to the other. Things are simply understood.

 

Sharing is caring. One of the most wonderful things about married life is sharing. Everything. From money to food to clothes to life’s pesky little responsibilities. Like who’s turn it is to call and order the pizza:

 

All bets are off. Did you have a particular arrangement in place for chores or a specific agreement that you made prior to your wedding day? Well if so, consider all that cancelled. Marriage is about equality and if not taken literally your wedded bliss will soon turn to a chaotic nightmare.

 

Humility and self-respect be damned! This means that you no longer need to leave the room to fart or pick your nose or scratch… anywhere! This also means that you can begin to use the bathroom with the door open. Now anytime is a good time to tell your spouse about every single thought that pops into your head.

In conclusion,  remember:

Love means never having to poop with the door shut… 

but maybe you should anyway.

Just to be safe.

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11 Comments

Filed under (me), just a thought..., the bee

11 responses to “Crossing the Threshold

  1. Ah, sweet wedded bliss. Congratulations! No more blow jobs for you!

  2. haaaaaa! i love it. and mazel tov!

  3. you are super cutes. i canNOT wait for mind fusion! it’s totally gonna fuck his shit UP!

  4. you married people are weird. :)

    congrats, hon!

  5. bee

    wait, no more beejs!? i have to order pizza!? and calculate water consumption?!?! this is more than i signed on for…

  6. That is exactly what marriage is. Thank you. I wish I could buy an overpriced watercolor greeting card with all of that on it.

    Also, did NOT know about the Arquettes. To TMZ.

  7. Oh my gosh, I missed the big day! CONGRATULATIONS you guys! I wish you years of happiness! :)
    And as usual, hilarious. HILARIOUS, in fact!

  8. P.S. Rereading your tweet, I realized it was your birthday, so happy happy birthday!!

  9. Congrats and you nailed it right on!

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