Garden State of Mind

Ah, yes.


If only you could smell it now… 

It’s like a marriage between fresh cut grass and decomposing fecal matter from the veritable Noah’s Ark of animal sphincters that inhabit this good state.

We really do have it all: sprawling highways, multi-nationalities & ethnicities, WAWA, the birthplace of both Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon-Jovi, full-service ONLY gas stations, and, last but not least, NATURE

New Jersey has more nature than you can shake a stick at people. We’ve got beaches and lakes, rivers and trees and birds and bugs. Swamp lands, pine barrens and bogs filled with cranberries.

Did you even know that’s where cranberries come from? BOGS?! I swear it. They do. Look it up.  

For today’s lesson, I’d like to focus on the subject of trees. Big-ass ones. Big-ass ones that fall from your neighbor’s yard onto and across your driveway stopping all vehicles from either getting in or out so that this is the scene you are greeted with on your way to work Monday morning:

Lucky for me, I had off from work anyway. It was a different story for the bee. Not only did he have work but he had to dismember and dispose of the tree all on his lonesome (no help from yours truly because HELLOOOOO? Who was gonna take the pictures? Tscha!) until the neighbor whose yard the tree fell from came to help him towards the end.

I’m not sure if the photos accurately depict the severity of the situation but let’s just say had someone or something been in that woody monster’s way when it fell that one/thing would be DEAD.


It should also be noted that we wouldn’t even have a house or a driveway as lovely as the one pictured above at all if it weren’t for the bee’s parents who rent the cottage on their property to us.

The reason for this?

It is UNGODLY expensive to own/rent a home in this state. I honestly don’t know how anyone does it. At this rate, by the time we’re 45 we’ll finally be able to afford a home of our own.

In 1986.

Between some train tracks and a nightclub.

Which means I’ll need a time machine to get there and a giant bag of blow if I plan on fitting in, neither of which I had accounted for in my original estimate so let’s face it. It’s never gonna happen…

This got me thinking about New Jersey and how I love/hate it. There’s a lot to love actually (see glowing description of NATUREs gifts above) but there’s also a lot of crap you’ve got to deal with if you wanna live here.

With that, I present to you, dun dun da DUUUUUUUUUUUN…

My bid for New Jersey state slogans that are infinitely better than the current: “Come See For Yourself”




Filed under home, just a thought..., projects

12 responses to “Garden State of Mind

  1. you’re always shaking sticks at nature. *slowly shakes head*

  2. 2 B

    Very funny. I love your blog. I still love jerz

  3. New Jersey: Who knew it had trees?

    Of course, they’re killer trees.

    *standing ovation for the ‘root’ joke*

    • shhhhhhh… don’t tell:
      they are just giant metal poles painted to look all bark-like and leafy.
      THAT’S why they’re so dangerous…

  4. You know, the only time I’ve ever been in Jersey, it was total cow country. I was shocked. It looked just like Pennsylvania.

    My goal is to never see dirty Jersey ever.

    • what’s funny about jersey is that you can literally be immersed (or so you *think*) in cow country, with what seems like farm after farm spread out for miles ahead of you, and then you drive down the road and it’s like you’ve been smacked in the face with every fast food change and mini-mall imagineable.
      and that’s actually one of the perks.

  5. Well fuck. I want ALL those slogans on a tee. As I was coming in to Hoboken last night from the west coast I thought to myself, “How do I know I’m home? Ah yes, the sweet smell of low tide.” *fist bumps*

  6. I love Jersey too, but in the end, I had to move to Philly where the people and cheesesteaks kill faster than trees.

    Keep up your blog, it really gets me through my day sometimes :)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s