Tomato Soup Spatter is Forever a Part of our Kitchen Décor a.k.a. So What? Who Cares?! (to be said in the voice of Joy Behar as played by SNL’s Fred Armisen)

I refuse to give up on my quest for obtaining domesticity points in the kitchen however much the odds are stacked against me. Over the weekend I did the unthinkable. I made my first ever attempt at going solo in dinner preparation and it was only semi-disastrous!

Ok, maybe it was 1/3 disastrous, 1/3 successful and 1/3 entirely too simple to completely fuck up even for me so can I really consider this a Grande feat at all?

The answer is yes, people. The answer is YES.

In a strange twist of events I took to food prep this evening while the bee did something. It’s been like 4 days, do really expect me to remember what? GAWD.

The recipe was easy enough:

4 Tomatoes (I would advise picking something extra red & juicy like a Roma tomato because it’ll make a big difference in the final product. I would know, I’m cheap and used shitty tomatoes so mine could have been way better.)

4 Cups Tomato Juice (Any brand. Doesn’t matter.)

1 Cup Heavy Cream (You could probably get away with using less.)

1/4 Cup Butter

Pinches of Salt, Pepper & Parsley

Simmer, puree, re-heat add some more stuff and serve!

Easy enough, right?

HA!!!!

The directions first called for dicing, peeling and seeding the tomatoes, then adding those and the tomato juice to a large pot to simmer for 30 minutes.

That part = so wildly successful that I felt like calling the bee into the kitchen just to show him how good I did much like a little kid might call their mom into the bathroom after making their first big kid poo in the grown-up potty.

Monumental, to say the least.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here’s the part called DISASTER

The directions next called for the concoction on the stovetop to be transferred into a blender to be pureed until there was nothing left but liquid-y goodness.

This should have been a simple CLEAN transition but nothing, I mean NO-THING, in my life is simple or clean.

I managed to pour a decent amount of the pre-puree onto the counter and all around the base of the blender during the first transfer.

Not a huge deal. Just wiped it up.

Now that I’d transferred the tomato slop from one vessel to another you would think the worst was behind me but oh how very very WRONG you would be.

Apparently I don’t know how to use a blender because after actively procrastinating and tentatively pressing buttons to ensure I was doing things the “right” way everything that could have possibly gone wrong basically did.

I THOUGHT I had my hand on the lid. I THOUGHT I had control over the electrical spinney device with razor sharp killing apparatus inside. Maybe I was a little TOO apprehensive which was what ultimately caused the lid to fly off and tomato puree to spew EV-ER-Y-WHERE.

On the floor. On the counter. On the stove. IN the crevice BETWEEN the counter and the stove (and that shit is there permanently, ya’ll). On the oven. In the sink. On the mini-blinds ABOVE the sink as well as ALL-OVER-MYSELF.

This is what our kitchen typically looks like:

And this is what our kitchen looked like after I was let loose in that bitch:

At this point, there was no other recourse but to have the bee step in. He assisted in some of the clean-up and manned the blender because I had proven that I was clearly less than able to complete this otherwise straight-forward task.

No use in crying over spilled tomato slop, right?

Well apparently nobody told me that because even after the blender disaster and the 30 minutes of clean-up it required and gaining assistance from the bee and finally having (what was supposed to be) the most difficult part of the process behind me I managed to YET AGAIN! spill that shit when pouring it from the blender back into the pot.

Once more, liquid tomato is all over the stove AND the counter top AND dribbling down the oven door into a pool of mess on the kitchen floor.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand this is when I start to cry.

Because I’m clearly a total head-case/loser-faced toolbox who can’t even manage to POUR.

It was then that I realized that this last mess might not have been completely my fault.

Here’s a picture of our blender:

That handy little pouring “lip” didn’t do diddley SQUAT for me. You would have thought that I had used a garden hose to get that stuff back into the pot with the amount of residual spray there was in the kitchen.

So I cleaned it up AGAIN, alone this time, mainly because I was too ashamed proud to ask for help.

And just so this seems like it’s a legit-type recipe post I’ll have you know that the rest of it went off without a hitch. I just brought that baby back to a simmer, added the butter and the cream and…

VOILA!!!

the black stuff is parsley (i think)

OH-MAGAHD.

I almost forgot to mention my s e c r e t ingredient…

SUGAR!!!

LOTS of sugar. Like 3 tablespoons of that stuff. Minimum.

Holy crap.

Did you just read a cooking post of mine?

I’ve got 2 words for you:

Death. Wish.

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “Tomato Soup Spatter is Forever a Part of our Kitchen Décor a.k.a. So What? Who Cares?! (to be said in the voice of Joy Behar as played by SNL’s Fred Armisen)

  1. Never ever come in my kitchen. Seriously, I will stab you.

  2. The title drew me in because tomato soup stains? Yeah, I got ’em. Not because of a disastrous incident. More because I’m extremely lazy.

    But then? We got to see your process. And that’s really what the art of cooking is all about. Next time you cook, please, please, please vlog it. I think the world needs the Me & the Bee cooking show.

  3. I’m all about the tomato soup. That stuff is the shit.

    Also, cooking + me = disaster.

    I’ve gotten a bit better over the years, but it’s not uncommon for me to use every dish, pot, and pan while making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but also injure myself 10 different ways and come up with new uses for every swear word in the book.

    Final product looks delicious though!

    • strangely, i’m the OPPOSITE when it comes to the whole use of utensils and such when cooking. i’m such a neurotic mentalist that i often reuse spoons and bowls and such, just giving them a quick rinse in the sink bc just the THOUGHT of having to wash ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL those extra dishes and such wigs me out so i try to keep it all to a minimum.
      on the same token, it ends up taking me twice as long to complete any step of the process bc of my obsessive need to keep my flatware use to a minimum. it also means that i inevitably end up with chunks of peanut butter in the jelly jar, which? is GROSS.
      the soup DID turn out really good. if you were there i’d have totally sent you home with a doggie bag…

  4. tomatoes? are assholes so you shouldn’t feel like anything out of the ordinary happened to you. next time? add more wine. to your bellah. and then? you won’t care. also? if you had a dog they could clean it up while you’re drinking wine. win-win!

    • excellent point, my dear becky!
      i think my ploy to get the bee on board for a cat (to help rid us of our cricket problem) has finally worked!
      i figure a dog is only the next logical step somewhere down the pipeline.
      after that?!
      i’m hoping if i can give myself lice he’ll let me get a chimp!

  5. Wow. You have a grown up kitchen…. I need a grown up kitchen. But then again, I don’t really cook, so…..

    • the only reason i have any of that fancy-schmancy -ish is bc the bee actually ENJOYS cooking. a good time for him is going to Sur la Table and getting a brand new spaghetti strainer.
      men, i tell ya…

  6. wait a minute … are you just trying to make it look ‘acceptable’ that i have to cook all the time? clever girl … winning the hearts of the masses … touche …

    you forgot to mention that we didn’t eat dinner till 3:37 in the morning

    • you know i don’t belong bee. not in the kitchen, not in well there’s some other places too.
      i think it’s just best (for BOTH of us) if i’m just not responsible for anything from here on out.
      seems fair, no?

  7. I was going to ask if that was soup or sauce for pasta, and the comments helped me out there, but just for future reference…be sure to label what you’re making. Otherwise someone might pour that over salad, or into an ice cream machine, or wash their hair with it.

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