Queen Cricket WILL Have Her Revenge (on my sorry ass)

Can I just say something?

I would love nothing more than to send this subject matter to the (me) and the bee vaults forevermore. I do not want to write yet ANOTHER post on our hellish insect problem but, based on the events of Sunday evening, it’s unavoidable.

Mind you, since the last time I wrote of our cricket woes and this past Sunday night, we were living what one might consider “insect free”. It was glorious, albeit short-lived. I am not one to tempt the fates so I kept my big trap shut about us being mostly rid of our infestation. The first batch of glue traps we bought were overflowing with the bodies of ill-fated hoppers and we finally had the decency to dispose of them Sunday afternoon before setting up new carcass-free traps to catch and collect any tiny stragglers.

Now…

Do you remember my saying how the crickets we had been catching were just baby-sized? Like, not even the full-grown HORROR-movie-sized proportion the adults can develop into? Do you ALSO remember me saying that as punishment for our killing all the baby crickets the cricket parents would likely be hiding inside shoes and in my underwear drawer poised to spring out and attack us for our thoughtless infanticide?

Well, I almost had to eat my words there. Thankfully, I never found a cricket in my shoes or drawers. I did, however, find a cricket in a place eleventy-thousand times worse than I could have ever imagined…

In bed.

ON my pillow.

Shall I set the scene?

We have a tiny house and because it’s so tiny we do the best we can to maximize on space. So in lieu of a more traditional sleeper, we have a loft bed which is basically like a bunk bed except instead of having a bed below the top bunk we have a desk/storage unit.

Capice?

Cool.

Although our crickets are extreme hoppers (I really cannot emphasize this enough) I typically feel safe in the bed because it’s about 5+ feet off the ground and in my mind a source of sanctuary in our insect filled home.

Boy, was I WRONG about that.

After a great weekend filled with movie-watching and photo shoots, we decide to retire to the bedroom in preparation for the new work week. In my groggy daze I climbed the ladder to our bed with the light in the room switched off because I wanted to make my transition from laying on the couch to laying on the bed as seamless as possible. The only problem with that plan was my being a violent sleeper by nature and as I’ve mentioned in the past, I don’t make the bed regularly so the blankets were all balled up at the bottom of the bed and I couldn’t make heads or tails of them in the darkness. This was when the bee suggested he turn on the light so I might see what I was doing and thank fucking GOD he did, because this is what happened next:

 

I just barely made it to safety from psycho-ninja cricket. To say I was traumatized by the event is putting it mildly. I had the bee re-check my hair for cricket multiple times because I wasn’t entirely convinced that crazy bitch wasn’t clinging to me somewhere in the hopes she could do her darndest to me mid-slumber.

Lucky for us, we have a pull-out bed that we slept on that night because there wasn’t a chance in HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL I was going back into bed with that knife wielding maniac after me.

PS?

We never did find her so we’re still sleeping on the pull-out.

Probably forever.

Pray for us…

***

To read this mess from the beginning, click here.

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15 Comments

Filed under (me), home

15 responses to “Queen Cricket WILL Have Her Revenge (on my sorry ass)

  1. you forgot to mention the part where you were transitioning back and forth between cracking up laughing and uncontrollably crying. that was my favorite part

  2. Jared

    Another crazy story. LMAO, I hope you catch the queen soon.

  3. This is going to give me frigging nightmares.
    After your last cricket post, I saw a camel cricket in the bathroom, doing it’s “I’mma jump atchoo from everywhere” routine, and I nearly screamed.
    Also, I later found a draft of a post I started about camel crickets.
    Although, now I’m not sure if they’re camel crickets or cave crickets. I kind of want to know, but I refuse to get close enough to find out.

  4. you guys…
    i only WISH i could say that even a portion of this story is fabricated in any way. this truly IS the stuff of nightmares, Sarah P.
    i don’t know the difference between the cave and camel variety and as you said, i don’t really care to differentiate. im sure they both suck equally.
    what’s disturbing to me is the ones we’ve been catching lately are getting BIGGER.
    *sign of the cross*

  5. dude. no. you need to do something about this. that’s my advice: “do something.” you probably hadn’t thought about “doing something” until just now. but. now that i’ve mentioned it… go ahead and call the marines or the president or an exterminator. i’m going to keep you in my thoughts and hope that you don’t die of cricket related injuries. THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

    you’re welcome.

  6. Terrifying. Totally terrifying.

  7. Nikki

    Holy Crap!!!!! Please get a cat, or just let off some type of Bug Bomb to get rid of them once and for all!!!!!!!!!!

    • that’s it! i’m forwarding this message to the bee right now. maybe if he hears it coming from you he won’t be so anti-feline?
      i remain doubtful, however :(

  8. So, you know crickets are lucky right?
    I mean, locusts are not. But crickets are. So maybe the cricket was trying to say it was sorry for invading your home by depositing it’s luckiness all over your pillow. Maybe.

    Either way, you’ll probably win the lottery soon.

  9. That is fucking hilarious. Ever notice your cricket looks like a terd? Just saying…though I do love the drawings. Bwahahahaha.

    • DUDE. you are totally right!
      i’m thinking it’s psychological. like how handwriting analysts suggest that if you make the letter “M” with ‘humps’ instead of ‘points’ it means your mind is preoccupied by breasts and you want to have sex with your mother or something.
      given that notion, i’m surprised more of my draw-rings don’t look like poops…

  10. Pingback: The Saga Continues… *UPDATED* « me and the bee

  11. melissa

    Ahhhh…we used to feed these critters to our pet OSCARS, they loved them! But seriously, get a Kiatty….the rowdiest kitten in the whole damned batch should do the job. Good luck!

  12. I have killed two of these creepers in my apartment. I didn’t know what they were and decided to Google to get some answers . So I came across your blog, gave me a good laugh, but also made me feel uncomfortable, lol i don’t like thinking about them. Anyway you probably already know this but the Orkin site says if you have an infestation of these guys to call them and get your house exterminated.. Just saying, its an option, cuz that sounds horrible.

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