Don’t Put Marbles In Your Nose/Put Them In There/DO NOT PUT THEM IN THERE (or anything else for that matter)

I’ve always been a “different” kind of person. Words that have been used to describe me since as far back as I can remember include: weird, strange, eccentric, alternative, unique, quirky, DIFFERENT. And those are just the nicer ones.

I mention this because when I was much younger I decided that shoving fuzzy willows* up my nose would be a great idea because I liked how they felt.

There is no doubt that fuzzy willows are perhaps some of the most decadently soft and luxurious little suckers in all of existence. In fact, if someone was entrepreneurial enough, I’d bet that harvested willows could be turned into some seriously excellent fabric, potentially putting the fur industry out of business.

Think about it…

Now, picture this:

I am 3 years old.

At the time, we lived with my grandmother, and my Gramm, being my Gramm (and likely my direct link to eccentricities abound) had less of a house and more of a museum filled to the brim with various tchotchkes, antiques and oddities. One of those oddities was an old spittoon that held branches of fuzzy willows.

My mother is busy at the sink, finishing up the last few dishes before she has to jet off to work. I am all of 5 feet away curiously picking at the fuzzy roundness of the willow branch emerging from the brim of the spittoon when one after another after another AFTER ANOTHER find their way into my pint-sized self’s nostril. No sooner than the last of ’em have been shoved into my nose, my mom turns to find her 3-year-old looking something like this:

My mom has now entered into full panic-mode.

So here I am, 5 or more (nobody is really sure) fuzzy willows unceremoniously shoved into one nostril, my breathing is struggled and my complexion is spotty.

~momentary aside~

I was very inquisitive and somewhat independent as a child, frequently looking to push the boundaries of what was the norm or acceptable into something that what was straight up bizarre-nified. I went through a brief phase where I would only wear different shoes together. I can remember being in kindergarten and wearing 1 pink cowboy boot and 1 rubber soled canvas slip-on to school. Rubber soled so I could still participate in that day’s poor excuse for physical activity: jump roping. So while I perfected the one-legged double jump, I’m sure my biggest success was establishing myself forever more as a closeted extrovert.

I’m not entirely sure something like that even exists but I’m totally claiming its discovery as my own.

(except i can’t because i just googled “closeted extrovert” and found someone’s blog! check. it. out.)

So!

The closeted extrovert (according to my own definition) is someone who just lives to push the envelope but doesn’t want to be seen as overly “show-off-y” or “obnoxious”. Just sort of outer circle and mysterious/weird, strange, eccentric, alternative, unique, quirky, DIFFERENT. Apparently there is also something called a “clos-et extrovert” and that’s basically the exact opposite of what I’m talking about so let’s forget I even mentioned it…

~resuming~

My mom runs next door to get my uncle (because what the hell ELSE do you do in a situation like this?) and he looks at me and then looks at her and suggests I be seen by some medical professionals.

The next few hours are a blur of lab coats and arms holding down my tiny body to an exam table so I don’t squirm away while a GINORMOUS pair of tweezers infiltrates my nostril in the hopes of removing the fuzzy perpetrators before they lodge themselves too much farther inside my nasal cavity.

Thankfully, I was left physically unscathed by the whole incident and (probably) all willows were successfully removed from my head.

It was a highly traumatic event to say the least but I learned my lesson. If you’re going to put things up your nose make sure they are BIGGER than your nostril.

Like a tiny marshmallow.

Duh.

*i had to ammend the name of said item due to a large number of kiddie p()rn perverts finding my blog.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Don’t Put Marbles In Your Nose/Put Them In There/DO NOT PUT THEM IN THERE (or anything else for that matter)

  1. You were a cute lil’ thing… But didn’t pussy willows tickle too much????

    Oh. And don’t stick erasers in your ears. We had a student do that at our school once. He had to go to the hospital to have it removed. Just an FYI.

  2. Nola

    MARSHMALLOW!!! Is that seriously what’s in your nose in the last picture?

    You, my beloved sister, are HILARIOUS as H-E-Double hockey stick!

  3. pussy willows! ZOMG! i loved those things! soooooo soft *lost youth sigh* i used to carry tiny rocks around in my cheeks when i didn’t have/couldn’t be bothered to use pockets.

    thank you for this safety filled post *takes things slowly out of nose for safety*

  4. I did Lego flowers up the nose instead. …Which in retrospect seem likely to be significantly less pleasant than the real thing.

  5. Yo, thanks for the shout out. I can’t take copyright privileges for the term, either.

  6. Karen

    Was the uncle, Uncle Rudy? That makes the whole thing even funnier! OMG, I cannot stiffle my laughter, as J.A.B., leaves the premises! Truly histerical, I now crawl back to my P.C. Toooo funny! Hahagaagaha…..

    • the one and only. he probably went home after that and told Aunt Rita to keep me away from the rest of the kids. or at least keep me away from their noses…

  7. Paul

    Quick history on the first two pics ( I know b/c I took them). Pic #1 on the boardwalk in Wildwood. After a day at the beach in Cape May, NJ we would often spend the night on the boardwalk. People would constantly be fussing over your beauty – I spent most nights as your personal security guard hustling you from ride to ride to avoid the crowds – it’s true!!!!!!Pic #2 on the beach in Cape May. I loooovveeeee that face!!!!!

  8. Just want to say what a great blog you got here!
    I’ve been around for quite a lot of time, but finally decided to show my appreciation of your work!

    Thumbs up, and keep it going!

    Cheers
    Christian, Satellite Direct Tv

  9. vampphanwriter

    I hate to unnecessarily comment again, but I LOVE the Home Movies reference in the title :D

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