Remember my mentioning that I was busy last week writing pieces for different publications in the hopes that I might get paid? Do you also remember my telling you how if that didn’t work out then (me) and the bee readers get the rotten leftovers?
Wellllllllllll, lucky DAY!
For me it feels more like a healthy mixture of disappointment and shame.
Apparently ParentDish isn’t all that keen on jokes about accidental dismemberment.
Anyway, they sent me a very nice rejection note, mentioning that “we strongly encourage you to try again” and they “loved what we saw” but that it “was not an exact fit for publication”.
I think that was just their way of saying:
Thanks for wasting our time and yours with this crap submission but the truth is we totally hate you and you suck as a person and as a writer and it was obviously a mistake that you were ever born and you should probably just kill yourself now before your lameness rubs off on anyone else but don’t take our word for it, call up your parents and ask them! (Even though they’ll probably say that you’re awesome because that’s how parents do but we’re pretty sure they’d agree with us. They just don’t want your death on their conscience.)
Best of luck!
Now, without further ado, I present to you…
Top 10 Most Awesome-tas-tacular Excuses for Not Doing Chores/Homework!!!
The ‘I Clearly Think You’re a Fool’: “I already did it/don’t have any homework.” —–> this is almost ALWAYS a complete and total lie but it works.
The Millennial: “Mom, I’m not just on the computer, I’m net-working.” —–> this kid is not only an asshole but a bit of a creep. who winks at their mom like that? weirdo.
The Matter of Fact: “Maybe I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t want you to get used to this. I’m not always going to be living here, ya know?” —–> this one is sure to get the ol’ parental units scratching their heads.
The Over-Dramatic: “Do you have any idea how stressful just going to school is?… I can’t be expected to do EVERYTHING, can I?!” —–> this picture is nothing if not embarrassing. really, it’s terrible, i know it. she’s floating in the air for chrissakes…
The Slick Negotiator: “You don’t remember? Last month I traded allowance for a ‘No Chores Ever’ clause in my contract.” —–> ok, i was kind of stretching with this one. they asked for 10 reasons and i was coming up short so this one was kind of a last resort. can you blame them for not selecting to publish this? in retrospect even i’m having difficulty.
The Lazy: “The mess doesn’t bother me. I can just sleep on top of it!” —–> ok. i have a few problems with this picture: 1. it’s clearly the middle of the day because there is a window with blue skies and yet he’s sleeping. 2. this kid does not seem the kind to have any spirit at ALL yet there is a “Go Team!” type banner in his room. 3. in case you were wondering, that is NOT a misshapen cock-n-balls laying on the floor. it was supposed to be some sort of fruit punch spilling out of a drinking glass. just had to get that off my chest. thanks.
The ‘You Really Brought This On Yourself’: “I’m boycotting homework for all the years I was lied to about the existence of Santa Claus.” —–> personally? i think this one is GENIUS.
The Extreme: “I can’t! I lost my arms in a freak tug-o-war accident.” —–> limbless children (even in OBVIOUS jest) = no laughing matter to AOL affiliates.
The Vindictive: Threatening to scream “THIS IS CHILD ABUSE!!!” loud enough for the neighbors to hear. —–> i included this one because i’m pretty sure i’ve used it before.
And finally, I close with some “adult” humor…
The Backfiring: “Miley Cyrus doesn’t do homework!”
Ok, then. Let the ridicule begin!
I think it’s high time somebody started a “Failure is my Middle Name” fan page on Facebook.