Fresh from the Reject Files…

Remember my mentioning that I was busy last week writing pieces for different publications in the hopes that I might get paid? Do you also remember my telling you how if that didn’t work out then (me) and the bee readers get the rotten leftovers?

Wellllllllllll, lucky DAY!

For you.

For me it feels more like a healthy mixture of disappointment and shame.

Kidding!

Apparently ParentDish isn’t all that keen on jokes about accidental dismemberment.

Go figure…

Anyway, they sent me a very nice rejection note, mentioning that “we strongly encourage you to try again” and they “loved what we saw” but that it “was not an exact fit for publication”.

I think that was just their way of saying:

Hi!

Thanks for wasting our time and yours with this crap submission but the truth is we totally hate you and you suck as a person and as a writer and it was obviously a mistake that you were ever born and you should probably just kill yourself now before your lameness rubs off on anyone else but don’t take our word for it, call up your parents and ask them! (Even though they’ll probably say that you’re awesome because that’s how parents do but we’re pretty sure they’d agree with us. They just don’t want your death on their conscience.)

Best of luck!

Now, without further ado, I present to you…

Top 10 Most Awesome-tas-tacular Excuses for Not Doing Chores/Homework!!!

The ‘I Clearly Think You’re a Fool’: “I already did it/don’t have any homework.”   —–> this is almost ALWAYS a complete and total lie but it works.

~

The Millennial: “Mom, I’m not just on the computer, I’m net-working.”  —–> this kid is not only an asshole but a bit of a creep. who winks at their mom like that? weirdo.

~

The Matter of Fact: “Maybe I shouldn’t. I wouldn’t want you to get used to this. I’m not always going to be living here, ya know?” —–> this one is sure to get the ol’ parental units scratching their heads.

~

The Over-Dramatic: “Do you have any idea how stressful just going to school is?… I can’t be expected to do EVERYTHING, can I?!” —–> this picture is nothing if not embarrassing. really, it’s terrible, i know it. she’s floating in the air for chrissakes…

~

The Slick Negotiator: “You don’t remember? Last month I traded allowance for a ‘No Chores Ever’ clause in my contract.” —–> ok, i was kind of stretching with this one. they asked for 10 reasons and i was coming up short so this one was kind of a last resort. can you blame them for not selecting to publish this? in retrospect even i’m having difficulty.

~

The Lazy: “The mess doesn’t bother me. I can just sleep on top of it!” —–> ok. i have a  few problems with this picture: 1. it’s clearly the middle of the day because there is a window with blue skies and yet he’s sleeping. 2. this kid does not seem the kind to have any spirit at ALL yet there is a “Go Team!” type banner in his room. 3. in case you were wondering, that is NOT a misshapen cock-n-balls laying on the floor. it was supposed to be some sort of fruit punch spilling out of a drinking glass. just had to get that off my chest. thanks.

~

The ‘You Really Brought This On Yourself’: “I’m boycotting homework for all the years I was lied to about the existence of Santa Claus.” —–> personally? i think this one is GENIUS.

~

The Extreme: “I can’t! I lost my arms in a freak tug-o-war accident.” —–> limbless children (even in OBVIOUS jest) = no laughing matter to AOL affiliates.

~

The Vindictive: Threatening to scream “THIS IS CHILD ABUSE!!!” loud enough for the neighbors to hear. —–> i included this one because i’m pretty sure i’ve used it before.

And finally, I close with some “adult” humor…

The Backfiring: “Miley Cyrus doesn’t do homework!”

Ok, then. Let the ridicule begin!

***

I think it’s high time somebody started a “Failure is my Middle Name” fan page on Facebook.

Thoughts?

Advertisements

7 Comments

Filed under (me), projects

7 responses to “Fresh from the Reject Files…

  1. i always went for ‘the lazy.’ in fact, that picture looks like an exact replica of my old bedroom, juice stains, plates of food left to stink up the joint. you hit that shit right on the head

  2. I thought it looked like she traded her “chores” for a “dance contract”. That’s what my plan is.

    I LOVE the letter you got. I think I’ll start writing my parent notes in a similar manner…

  3. SUCK IT, PARENT DISH!

    This is obvious genius.

  4. Stef
    You and I are so much alike. A few years ago I too tried to get my stuff published. I got the old REJECTION!!!! from so many magazines, blogs, webmagazines!!!! I of course stopped trying, but don’t be like me!!!! You write some very funny material, you just need to find a publication that appreciates your humor!!! Keep at it, Maybe take a writing class. Your young, you have time to find your nitch. I hear rejection is just part of the game. Did you know that Laura Ingalls Wilder did not get 1 story published till she was 44.
    Ok enough pep talk!!!!! Have a great weekend!!!!

    • a few months ago i probably would have cried myself to sleep knowing i had been rejected by ANYTHING mainly bc i’ve always had like ZERO confidence in anything i do. now, im better able to see it as just a part of the process. i mean, if nothing else it gave me content for my own blog! i think we are so conditioned anymore to expect major success in life before the age of 25/30/40/whenEVER that it just causes us unneeded stress when things don’t work out according to some unacheivable timeline. im learning to roll with the punches and accept that if things are meant to happen then they will.
      thanx for the kind words!

  5. At least you got rejected….they won’t even return my calls.
    See, it isn’t that bad at all.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s