I have a tendency to give myself a hard time when it comes to my own productivity. It’s strange that I do this since I’m typically a super busy, multi-tasker who, with or without set project for the day, will likely find something that consitutes as a project and embark upon it without thinking much about eating, dressing oneself or rest. My days off from work very rarely consist of any real relaxation. I’m constantly organizing, re-situating, researching, observing, pondering, dreaming, reading, obsessing (this is NOT a good thing and I’m working on putting a cap on it) and doing any and all things that I just can’t get to on a normal work day. There have been a few occasions where the Bee has had to tell me to just spend the day relaxing because I need to for whatever reason. The intent for that task usually works until I flip on the TV and I find my mind has already begun to wander to the ever growing, extensive TO-DO list that I’ve got collected on multiple pieces of paper as well as spinning around recklessly in my head. I just don’t know how to chillax for the most part. The fact that I over-analyze everything started to stress me out so much that it became A B U N D A N T L Y clear I really did have a problem.
I mean the problem still exists, I’m still a wackjob whose mind works faster than I can keep up with most days. This is probably why I don’t sleep well either. Hmmmmm… Back to topic: I have been learning to cope with my own neurosis, OCD, whatever you call it so that I can stop freaking out so much and just get back to enjoying life. I have been trying my goshdarndest to keep positive in light of negative happenings and have been using some of my passions and aspirations to keep me on that track. I keep telling myself that I will one day accomplish something that I will be proud of. Not sure if it will be through sartorial methods or music or writing or environmentalism. I just keep telling myself that If I want it to happen I firstly (firstly?) must believe that it will be so. Obviously this will all require lots of time, hard work & effort, failures, imperfections, missteps, etc. but without the dream there wouldn’t be anywhere to start. Right? I think my mind is wired to expect things done yesterday and to give myself the hardest of times for not already being perfect at life from the jump. I don’t expect these things of other people so why do I put myself through such total shit? This is a serious query. I’m really not sure what the answer is. I have theories but no substantial proof as to why I am SUCH a critic of my own abilities. I DO know however, that I can laugh at myself and for this reason I know that in many ways I am Delores Herbig, just “Getting Things Done…”.
And if you’re not sure who the stunner above is you reeeeally need to watch more TV. Well you’ll have to rent the DVD since the show’s been off the ai… oh, just google her. You’ll thank me later.
Since originally writing this post, crazy level has escalated from mild to full-time resident of crazy-town and no, I’m not referring to the totally awesome and wickedly original band, popular in the late ’90’s which gave us this everlasting hit:
Rather, I am fully immersed in the depths of misery and despair once again, seemingly unprompted and without cause. Perhaps I should rethink my stance on prescription medication and professional counselling…